The frequent lawyer calls and emails have gone silent. The depositions, appeals, and meditations have ended. Your divorce is final, and this chapter of your life has come to a close. Soooooooo…what now? How are you supposed to feel? What’s your next move? You made it through one hell of a divorce alive, so why (WHY?!?!) do you feel so shitty now? Read more if you ask yourself “How do I start my life over after divorce?”
An unhealthy marriage is often the result of a million nuanced choices made over time, and divorce is one solution to that particular problem; it is not, however, a fix-all. You need to overhaul your thinking, my friend. Let’s get, the post-divorce you, ready to conquer the World again!
How Do I Start My Life Over After Divorce: Perspective, Trust, Intuition
1. Regain perspective
As personal as marriage and divorce are, feeling like divorce is something that happened TO you isn’t the kind of outlook that promotes healing; don’t victimize yourself. Plain and simple, your divorce is something that happened and when you truly understand that, you can start to move forward.
Villainizing your ex-spouse isn’t going to solve any problems, either. Marriage isn’t one-sided, and I’m sure your contributions to the marriage failing are valid as well. I mean, how often do you get something right 100% of the time? This rings especially true with something as intricate as marriage. Just because you screw up, doesn’t mean you’re scum. Are you ready to start your life over?
Don’t waste your time and energy picking apart what your ex did wrong. Focus on moving on with a new perspective!
2. Make healing a priority
The ending of your marriage can be a devastating loss; a loss that needs to be adequately grieved so you can heal and move forward. You’re going to feel powerful and impactful emotions like hurt, and anger, and sadness; because it’s vital that these critical emotions are worked through properly, seeking professional therapy with someone like myself to start your life over is important.
Prioritizing your emotional health isn’t an option, it’s a necessity.
3. Change your relationship to money
I’m not talking about your budget and fiscal health here, but more so WHY are you spending and what are you spending on? Your spending habits, especially after a traumatic event like divorce, can be some of the most significant indicators of your emotional state.
If you think about it for a moment, are some of your biggest credit card purchases made when you’re feeling down? What about those late-night impulse buys on Amazon resulting delivery regrets 2 days later; was loneliness hanging out with you that evening? Spending money like that isn’t good for you; in fact, the only thing it’ll contribute to is emotional decline instead of emotional healing.
Working on changing your relationship to money and making better spending decisions after divorce will help you feel more confident and empowered going forward.
4. Trust yourself again first
Those pesky trust issues are going to get worse if they aren’t addressed ASAP. Maybe you’ve had trust issues as long as you can remember, or perhaps you took some damaging hits during your divorce; either way, learning to trust again is a must to move forward.
Before focusing on your ability to rely on others once more, you need to trust yourself again first, however. How can you expect to regain confidence in anyone if you have no faith in your own thoughts and decisions? You can’t. Reaching out to a professional like me for help in the trust area can really help.
An outside experienced perspective is sometimes the push you need to become your own most trusted advisor again.
5. Date smart
Ah, dating. Most likely, you’ll choose to begin dating again at some point or another after your divorce, and that’s great! Take caution, however, because if you date too soon or for the wrong reasons, you’re headed for disaster.
Take the time to consider why you’re dating: Loneliness? Financial instability? Boredom? If it’s yes to any those reasons, STOP WHAT YOU”RE DOING. Involving a new partner in your life is not going to fix any pre-existing issues you have; in fact, you’re setting yourself up for a potentially unhealthy and damaging relationship.
To date successfully following your divorce, it’s essential that you have grieved your failed marriage properly and taken steps independently to heal and repair yourself before you involve someone else. Do this, and you can expect to go into dating confidently.
If you are still uncertain, take my Free Quiz to help determine if you are ready to start dating again.
6. Become besties with your intuition
You know that little voice of reason and instinct that you probably kept ignoring during your marriage? Don’t continue to brush it off; start listening!
Trusting your own intuition and paying attention when something doesn’t quite add up can help you make better choices and potentially save you from some unsavory situations.
7. Listen to your loneliness, it has something to say
Experiencing times or moments of loneliness is to be human. Loneliness is something that you’ll probably feel once your marriage has ended; but this is not a reason to despair, it’s an opportunity for growth and discovery!
When in solitude, check up on how you’re doing. After your split, if you aren’t in touch with yourself, being single can feel pretty isolating.
Instead of wallowing or making poor choices, re-discover what your wants and needs are. Become best friends with yourself again!
8. Be nicer to yourself
I wouldn’t be surprised if your divorce left you feeling pretty shitty about yourself. Going through such a negative life-changing event is bound to have its effects on your self-esteem, but it’s time to start looking up.
- Start by changing the language you’re using to communicate with yourself and begin having more positive conversations. Remember, you are not perfect, and you can’t demand that of yourself, or you’ll get caught in a loop of constant let-downs.
- Making time for physical care is also essential in your road to recovery. Try getting some stress relief by working out at the gym, quiet your mind with some meditation, or soak your troubles away in a candle-lit bubble bath. Be kinder to yourself; you deserve happiness!
9. Trust the crisis
Yes, your divorce is considered a crisis; No, you don’t get to wallow in the unfairness of it all.
This event happened for a reason and can turn into a rewarding breakthrough of awareness if you allow it.
Use this precious time following the closing of your marriage to get in touch with yourself, your hopes and your desires. If you ask yourself, “How do I start my life over after divorce?”, seeking counseling and professional guidance from a therapist during this time can help you gain immense clarity and allow for important individual growth. Trust yourself and trust that you are right where you’re supposed to be on your unique path in life.