You want to know how to bring intimacy back into a relationship, and you've figured out that it can be hard. You've already beat yourself up about waiting too long to work on it. You feel overwhelmed, hurt and angry that your partner isn't as motivated as you are. You are looking for answers and tools that will give you some hope; because you don't want to give up. I am going to teach you a specific thing you are doing that interrupts intimacy and some things you can do to improve it.
How to Bring Intimacy Back Into a Relationship: Create Emotional Intimacy First
Intimacy comes in many forms.
Physical touch or sexual intimacy is only a small fraction of what creates closeness in a relationship or marriage.
A foundation of emotional intimacy will support a physically intimate relationship.
Emotional intimacy helps relationships to withstand nearly any obstacle. What you may not realize is that you may be avoiding your own emotional intimacy.
If you begin here, you can immediately change your relationship for the better!
Being Present to Experience Emotional Intimacy
You can't experience emotional intimacy if you aren't present.
One of the most common reasons we aren't present: too much thinking.
- The whirling dervish of thoughts that consume you blocks the connection within yourself.
- You lose track of your basic needs and stop providing yourself with important love and nurture.
- You're too busy thinking about what everyone else needs or what could go wrong or what is already wrong.
Have you noticed that your overwhelming thoughts are nearly always negative?!
I know you feel pressure to think every thought and sometimes express every word, but this is not how to bring intimacy back into a relationship.
Overthinking keeps you from having intimacy with the people you love. And the endless sea of ideas, stress, and production is doing more damage than good.
Habit of Interruption
A symptom of how overthinking damages intimacy is the habit of interruption.
When you are stuck in your head, you are more likely to interrupt those around you. You're so wrapped up in what you're thinking, and have to get it out RIGHT NOW! And if you're interrupting others, you're interrupting yourself. Meaning, the valuable, clear, true, present you.
Obsessive Thinking
Another symptom is going so deep into the obsessive thinking that you're almost trapped inside. It's like the personality drains out of you and this more robotic version shows up. People may say "helloooooo in there, where did you go?!".
This busy-brain keeps you from deeper feelings, inspiration, connection, and purpose.
Slow Down!
To know how to bring intimacy back into a relationship, you need to slow down.
Moment by moment find your breath, become aware of your feelings, speak from your heart and speak with intention.
This mindful place has an ease and flows with life. It can feel strange and uncomfortable at first, however, with practice, you will find yourself feeling more confident communicating more clearly.
Easier said than done?
Of course.
Why Is It So Difficult to Switch Off the Crazy to Explore Real Intimacy?
Because we are addicted to the trance of thought.
You feel like it soothes the anxiety or stress you are feeling. Overthinking allows you to feel like you are doing something about your problems.
However, because you struggle to sit in peace, it's nearly impossible for you to have deep connections or emotional intimacy. Sitting still is practically an invitation to be barraged by a to-do list, an urge to drink or check-in, shop, scroll or distract.
I Am FREAKING OUT!!!
You may be insisting to me that your problems and responsibilities are BIG. Like, too big to stop freaking out. You may believe it's impossible for you to feel peaceful right now.
I get you.
But knowing how to bring intimacy back into a relationship isn't enough.
You have to become willing to change how you are living.
Underlying Beliefs that Hold You Back Exploring Intimacy
Our lives are unconsciously driven by underlying beliefs such as
- "It will be better when"
- "It's too hard."
- "I shouldn't do that."
- "I should've done that."
- "People are idiots"
- "Life isn't fair."
- "I have to do it all."
- "It won't be done right."
These "tapes" that are always playing in your mind are driven by fear.
You Aren't Good Enough
Fear that you are not good enough. That you will f* up your life, your kids, your job, and ultimately that other people will not accept you.
All these fears and mental tapes are keeping you on a hamster wheel of thought. In these moments, you can convince yourself of entirely irrational ideas.
Being Aware of You're Overthinking is the First Step of Bringing Intimacy Back into Your Relationship
A fix to poor intimacy is a spark of awareness that you're overthinking.
Once you become aware, you can shift.
This solution does not involve your partner as much as consists of changing your own mental habits and patterns.
So, do it!
Notice and shift.
Embrace the belief that you are entirely worthy and can create intimacy within yourself.
From there, intimacy unfolds into each relationship that includes an open and willing partner.
“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.” ~Eckart Tolle
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