When I am upset with someone I usually want them to stop whatever they are doing to upset me. I want them to hear me, understand, agree and then change.
Not realistic.
Life and relationships don’t revolve around what I want. I am part of a larger system and we all have unique wants and needs. To coexist peacefully, it helps to understand that each of us is divinely endowed with a right to choose. We choose how we think, feel, act and believe. Once the choice is made, we get feedback in the form of consequences. The consequences may be negative or positive.
If you are in a disagreement with someone you love, check in with yourself. Are you making space for your loved one to express their own right to choose?
Often times we hold beliefs that “people should”. For instance: mothers should understand their daughters, sons should call their fathers, daughters should respect their mothers.
Not realistic.
Holding onto expectations or “shoulds” about another person is guaranteed conflict and disappointment.
3 Ways to Resolve Conflict With Someone You Love
- Let go of your urge to convince them. Share your feelings and thoughts without a need for agreement.
- Don’t let feelings of rejection interfere. It’s ok if you don’t agree and its ok if your loved one is upset with you. With love and patience, it will pass.
- Apologize for anything you may have done that is hurtful. (Shouting, ignoring, talking over each-other, being condescending, etc).
Much of this can feel awkward and unsettling at first. It takes practice to develop a new habit. Changing our thoughts and actions works the same way! If you want more help resolving disagreements, take a look at this video about apologizing.
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