Are you struggling with loneliness after divorce? The entire process of divorce is lonely. It often feels like singlehandedly carrying all of the responsibilities in the world while having an open gunshot wound, with no sign of a surgeon to fix it. And all of this loneliness leads to some pretty destructive choices. They usually involve alcohol, maybe some recreational drugs, random sex and spending money on things you do not need. But none if it works. Not for longer than a few hours. And then you crash. And feel like shit. And deeply alone.
The Story of Loneliness after Divorce
You Want to Be Wanted … Again
You know you’re not ready to date, but you want someone to want you. To hold your hand and take your call when you’re having a bad day. A person to love, to stem the flow of blood from the gunshot wound. But dating won’t work. You haven’t healed the wounds from before, during or after divorce. Which means you’re exceptionally raw, your perspective is shot, you’re highly susceptible to feeling rejected and doing a shitty job of picking dates.
So now what?
You learn the secret to loneliness. Loneliness is a result of 2 things. A wound that existed before you ever got married. And the injury that happened as a result of the divorce.
Experiencing Grief and Loss
The wound from divorce is grief and loss. It’s the process of letting go of your ex, your life as it was, the dreams you didn’t fulfill and learning to accept that (at least for now) there are some empty spaces. Those empty spaces are one of the reasons you feel lonely.
Except, it’s not the whole story.
Loneliness and Emptiness
There is an earlier wound. It may feel even deeper than lonely, like emptiness. And without sourcing it, treating it and healing it, loneliness and emptiness will always be right around the corner ready to strike. I understand that some of you may have no clue about what I’m referencing. You may not see an earlier wound. That’s ok because folks like me know how to help you find it.
Either way, I want to invite you to identify all the things you have been doing to avoid loneliness. Avoiding it is not addressing it. And many of these things were probably going on even before your divorce. Check out this list and note how many of them apply to you. None of them are inherently wrong. But, they are clues about behaviors that could block your ability to solve the problem once and for all.
Your Way of Dealing With Loneliness after Divorce
- Filling any spare minute with an activity
- Buying things for your kiddos so they will love you more
- Screen time
- Chronically helping other people
- Traveling constantly
- Obsessing over your ex
Nailed it didn’t I?
I know because I did them too. But if you want to get past this and end up happily ever after, you need a new plan.
Overcoming Loneliness after Divorce: Listen, Learn, Shift
- Provide you with a different choice when you’re feeling lonely. Sometimes we don’t know what to do with our pain, and we need some guidance. Listening to this is something to do that will put you on the path to healing instead of avoiding.
- Help you feel less alone in those dark moments, and it’s too late to call someone, or you’re afraid those snotty tears are too intense to lay on someone else.
- Guide you to the source of your loneliness. And the more you listen, the clearer you will get. Once you find the cause (there could be multiple causes) you can start to treat/heal/address it.
And if you’re inclined to click off of this page instead of downloading, I’d challenge you to do some soul searching about why. When a world-renowned therapist who has also personally healed from divorce is offering you a tool, you take the suggestion!
Don’t get me wrong; not every tool is a good fit for everyone.
But what have you got to lose by trying?
When I help people explore their resistance, the typical answer is: “I don’t want to feel the pain or find something I don’t want to find.”
You Aren’t Alone
Well, you’re not alone. There are a huge group of people out there that share your fear. Maybe you just need the right kind of support to feel like you can handle whatever comes up for you.
If that idea resonates with you, be sure to check out my private FB support group for divorce recovery. The members are there 24/7 for you to connect, share, ask for help and learn. And I’m in there too. I do a live feed every Monday night where I answer questions help people get unstuck and point you in the direction you need to go. Click the button. I can’t wait to see you there.