Marriage is hard. We all want a happy marriage. We believe we are willing to do what it takes to make it work. We go with our loved ones to the therapist and want change, change for the better. And then the therapist asks us to change something we love, something we view as important, something we hold close. But, change is hard because we want to change what we want to change, not what we need to. I realized this myself the other day.
This time I was on the other side, the patient. I received this harsh reminder during a medical appointment. I was diagnosed with an injury to my Sacroiliac joint. What struck me, was the diagnosis wasn’t nearly as scary as the treatment plan. My prescribed path to healing altered my way of living wholly. How I move, sit, play and exercise. How I live life.
Worst of all, she told me to surrender yoga. I was like…Um NO! I LOVE yoga!
Change You Don’t Want is Hard
In the moments following my convo with the doc, I was mentally freaking.
- I felt overwhelmed, frightened and angry.
- It didn’t feel fair that I had to give up something I love.
- I felt unsure about the healing process.
- I was afraid it wouldn’t work fast enough.
- There is also a profound vulnerability to being treated by a doctor.
An expert can see and understand what things that may not be obvious to you.
In this instance, my body was communicating things regardless of what my words were saying. That level of exposure and vulnerability can feel very intimidating.
I imagine this is how my clients feel when they come for marriage counseling.
- You’re in pain, you want relief, and it’s scary.
- You’re trusting someone with the most delicate pieces of you.
- And, you lack the expertise to solve it alone. You’re afraid of being judged.
I get it. Because I am you.
I’ve been on both sides of the sofa. I know what it’s like to be the client.
The thing is, the doc doesn’t have the power to heal me, just like I don’t have the power to heal you. The expert consistently provides the supportive treatments and then I have to create the conditions of healing – every day.
If I weren’t willing to surrender yoga, amongst other things, I wouldn’t get better.
The same works for having or creating a healthy marriage.
Marriage is hard.
If you aren’t willing to work together and surrender things that are damaging, your marriage cannot get better.
The more compliant I am, the quicker I heal.
I’ve done a few things to cause setbacks. It’s tempting to freak out and feel discouraged.
The things is; healing is a process.
Sometimes people back away from healing.
Like turtles back into their shells. It’s too scary to face the pain, too much work to see results too embarrassing to talk about their struggles. Or they feel like relationships “shouldn’t be this hard.”
Marriage is Hard and You Have to Skin in the Game
I was relaying this story to a client recently. They said, “At any point did you question the validity of what the doctor was saying?”
I flatly responded with no.
Cue my history in therapy, in yoga or with a chronic disease. I’ve been to many healers. Each one wants to solve the puzzle.
What I’ve learned over and over and over and over again is they alone will not solve the puzzle.
- I have to have skin in the game.
- I have to work my own healing process with the supportive guidance of professionals.
- Knowing my own body, mind, and soul is critical.
- I didn’t need to worry about trusting this doc because I have learned to trust myself and my own judgment.
This came through years of practice, listening and applying what I learn.
There is no magic pill. There is no perfect healer.
There is you, both of you.
And there are those who wish to support you in your healing journey.
I know the same counts for having or creating a healthy marriage. Marriage is hard. Thank you for allowing me to be one of your supports.
p.s. – I’m back to yoga today. It’s heavily modified yoga. I’ll let you know how it went. 😉
“Surrender … The intersection of acceptance and change.” ~Dawn Wiggins