B
lame. A weapon we grab when we are out of emotional options. It’s the voice in your head that tells you it’s not your fault. The voice that is grasping for a reason. It’s an escape tunnel, except it leads nowhere.
Brene Brown tells us that “blame is a way to discharge pain and discomfort”.
What she means is when we feel panicked, angry or betrayed, we try to make the pain stop. One of the ways we try to interrupt emotional discomfort is to blame someone else.
“You did this to me” or “You let me down” or “You aren’t good enough”.
The truth is blame only damages our own emotional well being and the well being of our relationships.
The True Solution to Stop Blame
The true solution to emotional discomfort is to take care of our feelings and to chip away at the problem.
Why does it come easier and faster?
Because it feels like an immediate solution. We are often unwilling to put in the effort towards long term solutions. We short cut to what feels better NOW.
If you blame others, it’s time to consider which painful feelings you are avoiding. Feelings can seem overwhelming or out of our control. Some people shut down or cut their feelings off. Some people lean into emotion like its a warm hug. Each time we have a thought or feeling, there is an accompanying physiological response. Either way, you are accountable for your emotional reactions.
You may think you are escaping emotional consequences by avoiding and blaming. If you wait too long, unresolved painful feelings will cause uncomfortable side effects.
Stop Blame and Start Doing This Instead
- Be kind to yourself and others.
- Exchange it for humbleness, honesty and compassion.
- It will take practice to give up the B word.
At first you will catch yourself after-the-fact. With enough attention and intention, you will spot emotional discomfort before you act on it.
Be patient. Changing habits takes time.
If you need help, don’t hesitate to ask!
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