I know I have trust issues and insecurities in my relationship but where did they come from and how can I change it?
I often hear my clients pin their trust issues on that ex who betrayed them. They are fairly convinced that romantic betrayal is the thing that causes them to mistrust their new partner. But to truly overcome trust issues, it’s important to understand trust is first learned and developed in your childhood and it will either build or deteriorate over time as you grow and have relationships.
Early relationship experiences (with caregivers) are a huge contributor to how secure we feel in life.
Self-worth is another factor that affects trust. If you are insecure and don’t value yourself highly, you are likely to pick relationships that confirm your negative self-view. And being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you will lead to repeated breaches of trust.
I Don’t Trust Anybody!
It’s very common to get caught up in the good feelings of romance and forget to allow the trust to build over time. The good feelings can lead to a certain blindness where it comes to red flags. And then when the day comes that you feel hurt or betrayed by others, it becomes evident that the world and relationships are dangerous.
There is a better way!
- 1.Learn how to trust yourself first
- Believe in your worth
- Pick relationships with people who are trustworthy
- Learn to experience the world as a safe place
If you’ve been hurt repeatedly it will be challenging, at first, to see relationships and the world as a safe place. But I’d like to teach you how!
Three Tips to How to Overcome Trust Issues in Your Relationships
Let’s focus on what you can do to create and contribute to a safe and secure world. Watch the video below or scroll down to learn more about the three tips on overcoming trust issues in relationships.
#1 Ask Yourself: How worthy do I feel? What are my secrets?
If you can honestly answer these questions you are on the road to understanding and resolving your trust issues.
We all have insecurities and secrets.
Are you open to acknowledge and then address your trust issues and insecurities?
- One way to increase self-confidence is to learn to forgive and love the parts of ourselves we are ashamed of (the secrets).
- Another way to build self-confidence is to make conscious choices to not repeat behaviors that create shame.
When we practice these two things with consistency we become more trusting of our own choices and feel more confident about ourselves; creating a secure and safe self!
#2 Going too fast, discerning too slow, believing we can change others.
Have you ever gotten caught up in a whirlwind feeling that led you to ignore conscious awareness and rational thought?
We all want to be happy and sometimes we confuse instant gratification for happiness and end up hurting in the end.
This can be mitigated by
- taking care to pace ourselves in relationships
- be discerning about the people we engage with
- letting go of the belief that we can change the things we don’t like about other people
If you repeatedly observe dishonesty, secrets, gossip, unethical or unkind behavior – believe what you see!
You may notice these behaviors in yourself or others.
These are red flags that trust and security cannot be built until they are addressed.
Are you willing to address these things without living in denial that you can change another person?
#3 Be curious, not a detective.
Curiosity is a beautiful thing.
It is creative, hopeful and inspiring. Being a detective is for the purpose of “catching” and “punishing”.
Which do you possess more of?
If you are tempted to check another person’s phone, email, social media & cabinets are you being curious or being a detective. (I would guess the latter.) If you play the detective regularly, it is a flag that there is something about yourself or your environment that you do not trust.
- Check-in with yourself and decide if there is something about this behavior and your circumstances that you are willing to change.
- Embrace curiosity and let go of detective.
Believe that everything you need to know will be revealed to you if you are willing to see and acknowledge it!
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